


all my loves would rather be alone

by koolmcr



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Female Character, Developing Relationship, F/F, Lesbian Character, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:41:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28923732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koolmcr/pseuds/koolmcr
Summary: She remembers Riley, Cat. She remembers Marlene and Maria and Tommy and-Joel.All this love in her life and she doesn't even fucking deserve it. She's just a mean old cuss bringing her girlfriend on a suicide mission.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	all my loves would rather be alone

**Author's Note:**

> Ellie cries a lot because i say so. she has lots of feelings.

Somewhere in Mayfield, Ellie stops searching a drawer to look up at Dina.

"El, what do you call a dinosaur in a car crash?"

She smiles.

"I dunno, what?"

"A tyrannosaurus wreck."

Dina gives a plastic laugh at the terrible pun, acting like she's the funniest person in the world.

She probably is.

All Ellie can do is blush and smile to herself. She really does love her.

She loves her.

She loves Dina.

Ellie loves Dina.

The thought sends a little bit of ice through her veins and makes her stomach upset. Well, more upset than it's been since the...

Him. Blood soaked. Screaming. Beaten in. She can't think about it. She slams the drawer she was rummaging through shut a little harder than she would've liked, causing Dina to jump a little.

* * *

The embers are all but finished crackling when Ellie pulls out her journal, Dina sound asleep next to her. She snores softly. Her face has more peace than it does when she's awake.

Ellie really loves her.

Fuck.

The moonlight guides her pen.

_I really love her._

_Does she love me? How could she? I'm a fucking mess._

_She came all this way with you. But she could still turn around, decide this whole thing isn't worth it._

A few tears slip out and make their way down her cheeks. She sniffs and uses her jacket sleeve to wipe the snot away.

_I'm not the girl she kissed at the dance anymore. Why is she still here? Does she feel bad? Poor Ellie lost her prettymuch dad and is on a whole fucking thousand mile revenge quest._

_What am I doing here._

~~_She should be back in Jackson with Jesse and getting back together with him._ ~~

_I don't want that. I want her here with me. I'm glad she's here with me. I love her._

_I love her. I love her I love her I love her I love her._

_Maybe she loves me too._

Ellie cries harder. She remembers Riley, Cat. She remembers Marlene and Maria and Tommy and-

Joel.

All this love in her life and she doesn't even fucking deserve it. She's just a mean old cuss bringing her girlfriend on a suicide mission.

But if Dina were in the same situation, Ellie'd follow her anywhere. She knows that. And she can't stop crying no matter how much she bites at her fingers and holds her breath.

"Mmm...babe, come sleep."

Dina's eyes are still closed, reaching at Ellie's hunched over form from across their parallel bedrolls. The sight makes Ellie's face scrunch. She can't even let her girlfriend sleep. Fuck up.

"Sorry, D. I'm just, uh," She sniffs and rubs at her nose, not really knowing how to finish that sentence.

Those dark brown eyes sleepily open, looking up at her. They're too warm and Ellie looks away.

"Hey, what's up?" Dina sits up with a whining yawn. She places her hand on the girl's shoulder. And she can't think of anything to say. Which makes her cry more.

"Nothin', was just. Writing. Sorry."

"Don't be sorry."

"Okay."

Dina keeps rubbing her shoulder. It feels like she does it for hours. It feels good. Ellie feels like a flooded house.

"I love you," she whispers. Not looking at her girlfriend, instead trying to fold into herself and be as small as possible.

The rubbing doesn't stop as the response comes, "I love you, too."

Ellie snaps a little at that, sitting up. "How? Why?"

"You're you."

That's not good enough for her, she stands up too quickly to get the hand off her shoulder.

"El, I do love you. A lot."

She wants to scream but she wrings her fingers instead, looking at her feet.

"I don't think you should."

"How come?"

"Look at what we're doing, Dina! We were nearly killed by hunters yesterday! We could be killed by something tomorrow! _You_ could be killed! And all for what? To follow me? I'm not worth your life."

Dina's eyes look hardened, dead at Ellie's, "You are."

"I'm not."

"Ellie, I fucking love you. And if this is what you want to do, I'm doing it with you. If you don't want to do it and turn back, I'd follow you. You don't get to decide for me what's worth it. I do. And you're worth all of this."

She stands to eye level, trying to get Ellie to look at her. Ellie just wants to disappear.

"El."

"Loving you scares me."

"Why?"

"Because what if you die? What if I die? We won't have all we could've. All we'd have is this," she motions vaguely at their shit and Shimmer, "And I don't want just this. But it's probably all we'll get."

The thought crosses Dina's mind sometimes. She does wish things were different, that they could've gone home from Eugene's library with their hands held and bodies mostly alright besides the cold. But they're not. That doesn't make any time spent with Ellie a waste.

"Every moment with you is worth it to me."

"Not when you're killing someone. Or I wake you up from crying."

"Ellie, I swear to god. Stop trying to fucking read my mind. I'm telling you, right now. I love you. You are _mine_ , and I'm yours. And where you go, I go. That's it."

She wants to protest that it's not that simple. It can't be. But as she keeps avoiding Dina's eyes, the thought comes again. _You'd do the same for her. Why is it different that she's doing it for you?_

It keeps bouncing, making contact with her other thoughts as she stands dumbly and crying for long moments. She wants everything Dina's saying to be true. She knows it probably is. But accepting it is something different and Ellie just can't chew that big of a bite.

Eventually, Dina closes her eyes and sighs, "I'm gonna go back to sleep, okay? We've gotta leave in the morning. I want you to rest, too, baby."

Her hand on her cheek, Ellie finally looks into Dina's eyes. They're tired and sad.

"Okay."

She numbly lays down with her girlfriend. They face each other in the silver dark, Dina with her fingers running through Ellie's hair.

"I love you, Dina. I'm sorry"

"I know. I love you too."

* * *

They probably don't sleep as much as they should, instead looking into each other's eyes. The next morning as they're packing up camp, Ellie stops.

"Hey, why did the bicycle fall over?"

Dina smiles, and rolls her eyes.

"I dunno, why?"

"Because it was too tired."

Ellie laughs at her own joke and gets the biggest hug of her life in return. "You're silly," Dina says, breathing in the auburn hair.

"You love it."

"Yeah, I do."

They set off, lighter and less grey as the sun shines on the cold ground at their feet.


End file.
